It has been a couple weeks, I know. Life has been crazy around here with me working a full-time job approximately 45 miles away from home and continuing to coach freshman volleyball every day on top of work. But here I am again and mostly because I need to journal to release sadness and frustration.

No surprise it has come to this moment considering I regretted my decision to take a full-time job, so far away, and for an executive I knew was difficult to have as a client. Today was the day of reality. I should have known my day would go down hill after I had to leave my sick daughter at home alone without console from mom. I had to trust my husband would handle getting her cared for at the doctor. And then I would have to deal with everything from a far distance away. Then it happened.

I was called into a closed door meeting with the executive I had only known from a client relationship. And now I had to figure out how to manage that relationship as an employer relationship. It isn't easy when you can't walk away since that person isn't a client, they are your boss. The finger pointing was next. The elevated tone. The talking to me as if I were a child. As expected, my fear of accepting this position now came true. Humiliated, frustrated, beaten down, and left to fear my failure...I could not control the tears. The tears just kept coming all day long! By the time I left for the day, I was so numb from crying so much, I felt no emotion.

And then, I walked into the gymnasium, an hour late and frustrated. And then there were my volleyball players. So excited to see me and tell me their stories of the day, show me their serving, and ask what we were doing next. I came to life again even though I felt so beaten. No one should deserve to be talked to in a manner which you feel small. It amazes me how full of life a child can make one feel.

Multiple lessons were learned today. First and foremost, I need to start listening to the voice inside of me that tells me not to do certain things. That has always been my issue. Lesson number two - don't walk away from your passions. Follow your dreams and never let anyone tell you it is impossible. Never fear change or following through on your dreams.

Time Goes By Quickly

Today is the first day of a new school year and the last day of summer for the kids. Funny how something has to end in order for something to begin. Today is also the eve of a new start to my life and the eve to what will change how our family lives each day.

In February of 1997, my husband and I came to the agreement I would stay home to raise our children. Not allowing for someone else to raise our children. To give our children a parent to count on every day. We chose not to pay the high price of daycare - both for financial reasons and for emotional reasons. Today is the day before that lifestyle ends. Although I have always found work outside of our home, there has always been the flexibility to work part-time, freelance, or on a contract basis. Tomorrow this flexibility comes to an end.

I find myself saddened and frustrated that I could not make it until our children graduated from high school to make this leap. Our economy has forced this decision and I will now leap into the demands of the corporate world. Leaving my dream of teaching and coaching sports behind me and digging my feet into the cut throat marketing world. A world which intrigues and scares me all at once.

As I watched my two high school children drive away for school this morning, I wondered how they felt and if they would be alright today. It is just as hard today as it was the day they walked into kindergarten and first grade. Tomorrow will be a whole new uneasiness as I drive almost an hour away from home...where I have felt comfort and control of nurturing my family.

It has been too long since I updated this blog. I will now use this as my journal for a new journey in my life. To help me heal with the decisions forced upon me and to hopefully hear from other mothers out there facing some of the same changes in their lives.