It has been a couple weeks, I know. Life has been crazy around here with me working a full-time job approximately 45 miles away from home and continuing to coach freshman volleyball every day on top of work. But here I am again and mostly because I need to journal to release sadness and frustration.
No surprise it has come to this moment considering I regretted my decision to take a full-time job, so far away, and for an executive I knew was difficult to have as a client. Today was the day of reality. I should have known my day would go down hill after I had to leave my sick daughter at home alone without console from mom. I had to trust my husband would handle getting her cared for at the doctor. And then I would have to deal with everything from a far distance away. Then it happened.
I was called into a closed door meeting with the executive I had only known from a client relationship. And now I had to figure out how to manage that relationship as an employer relationship. It isn't easy when you can't walk away since that person isn't a client, they are your boss. The finger pointing was next. The elevated tone. The talking to me as if I were a child. As expected, my fear of accepting this position now came true. Humiliated, frustrated, beaten down, and left to fear my failure...I could not control the tears. The tears just kept coming all day long! By the time I left for the day, I was so numb from crying so much, I felt no emotion.
And then, I walked into the gymnasium, an hour late and frustrated. And then there were my volleyball players. So excited to see me and tell me their stories of the day, show me their serving, and ask what we were doing next. I came to life again even though I felt so beaten. No one should deserve to be talked to in a manner which you feel small. It amazes me how full of life a child can make one feel.
Multiple lessons were learned today. First and foremost, I need to start listening to the voice inside of me that tells me not to do certain things. That has always been my issue. Lesson number two - don't walk away from your passions. Follow your dreams and never let anyone tell you it is impossible. Never fear change or following through on your dreams.
No surprise it has come to this moment considering I regretted my decision to take a full-time job, so far away, and for an executive I knew was difficult to have as a client. Today was the day of reality. I should have known my day would go down hill after I had to leave my sick daughter at home alone without console from mom. I had to trust my husband would handle getting her cared for at the doctor. And then I would have to deal with everything from a far distance away. Then it happened.
I was called into a closed door meeting with the executive I had only known from a client relationship. And now I had to figure out how to manage that relationship as an employer relationship. It isn't easy when you can't walk away since that person isn't a client, they are your boss. The finger pointing was next. The elevated tone. The talking to me as if I were a child. As expected, my fear of accepting this position now came true. Humiliated, frustrated, beaten down, and left to fear my failure...I could not control the tears. The tears just kept coming all day long! By the time I left for the day, I was so numb from crying so much, I felt no emotion.
And then, I walked into the gymnasium, an hour late and frustrated. And then there were my volleyball players. So excited to see me and tell me their stories of the day, show me their serving, and ask what we were doing next. I came to life again even though I felt so beaten. No one should deserve to be talked to in a manner which you feel small. It amazes me how full of life a child can make one feel.
Multiple lessons were learned today. First and foremost, I need to start listening to the voice inside of me that tells me not to do certain things. That has always been my issue. Lesson number two - don't walk away from your passions. Follow your dreams and never let anyone tell you it is impossible. Never fear change or following through on your dreams.
