Clearing

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worth of rescue.

by Martha Postlewaite

Sports Weekend

Oops!  I completely forgot to take pictures over the weekend.  It was a sports filled weekend with soccer on Saturday for my son.  Indoor, of course, as we are in feet of snow and subzero temps.  Today was packed with sports with our son playing in a futsal tournament, our daughter had a volleyball tournament and I was coaching my volleyball team at the same tournament.  This is what life is all about - family!  Needless to say, my daughter and I are pooped after today.

Since my daughter doesn't have a car, I drove the kids to school.  I believe even if she had her car, she wouldn't be willing to drive it.  It caused me to be late for work, but that was okay.  I felt assured I would know my kids were safe at school and I knew my daughter would feel best with someone else driving. 

We passed the accident site where the snow is still ruffed up from the accident.  I could sense the pain and fear in my daughter.  Life must go on though.  She feared going to school because she knew the kids would be relentless in teasing her...and they were.  Even a teacher made a negative comment.  Not sure where our society is going wrong, but we seem to have forgotten positive feedback goes much farther than negative teasing.

Today we are closing another chapter on this year.  And, although the accident still looms over our heads, it was a beautiful morning for a ride out in the country.  This photo was taken after dropping the kids off at school while heading into work.

An Accident

Hold your seats...this chapter turns pretty scary.  This winter has been the absolute worst ever and I take this as a sign.  If you read my old blog notes back in the summer of 2013, you will see that I had a huge decision to not only go back to work full-time, but to add a one hour each way drive to my day with a commute. This job takes me far away from my family at a quick emergency notice and it doesn't make this ex-stay-at-home mom and business owner very comfortable.

The past several months I have endured constant illness with my daughter which has equated to doctor appointments and taking off work.  Then there was the morning my daughter called in tears stating her brother was passed out cold on the bathroom floor.  And, yes, both my husband and I were already at work.  Me an hour away and him at least 35 minutes away.

Well, the snow globe was dumping and we had lake affect snow this morning.  My commute was horrible.  And then that phone call came in.  The kids had rolled over on the way to school.  I went into instant panic attack mode and had to turn around and drive back to save my kids from the cold and snow and dangers of an overturned vehicle.  I knew it wouldn't be a quick trip and it seemed like years. 

To say my heart sank when I saw the police lights is an understatement.  I felt a chill and it was as if someone had died.  The picture of my daughter's overturned vehicle will forever haunt me.  I realized today that my family is most important to me and that my job can't come first and that is okay.

Hello 2014!

Today is the first day of my 365 page book.  I am determined to create my story this year.  The story will unfold here in this blog.  I have already written down my goals and objectives for this year.  Unlike any other year, I have decided to create a somewhat general goal which will cover many aspects of my life.  The objectives will be many in order to accomplish my main goal for the year.  I want this year to be unlike any other year in that I finally finish things.  You see, I find myself attempting to accomplish many things and doing many things -- just not doing anything well. 

This has to change!  I must resolve to be focused and finish the second half of my life doing what I love and finally getting our family life and financial future on track.

It has been a couple weeks, I know. Life has been crazy around here with me working a full-time job approximately 45 miles away from home and continuing to coach freshman volleyball every day on top of work. But here I am again and mostly because I need to journal to release sadness and frustration.

No surprise it has come to this moment considering I regretted my decision to take a full-time job, so far away, and for an executive I knew was difficult to have as a client. Today was the day of reality. I should have known my day would go down hill after I had to leave my sick daughter at home alone without console from mom. I had to trust my husband would handle getting her cared for at the doctor. And then I would have to deal with everything from a far distance away. Then it happened.

I was called into a closed door meeting with the executive I had only known from a client relationship. And now I had to figure out how to manage that relationship as an employer relationship. It isn't easy when you can't walk away since that person isn't a client, they are your boss. The finger pointing was next. The elevated tone. The talking to me as if I were a child. As expected, my fear of accepting this position now came true. Humiliated, frustrated, beaten down, and left to fear my failure...I could not control the tears. The tears just kept coming all day long! By the time I left for the day, I was so numb from crying so much, I felt no emotion.

And then, I walked into the gymnasium, an hour late and frustrated. And then there were my volleyball players. So excited to see me and tell me their stories of the day, show me their serving, and ask what we were doing next. I came to life again even though I felt so beaten. No one should deserve to be talked to in a manner which you feel small. It amazes me how full of life a child can make one feel.

Multiple lessons were learned today. First and foremost, I need to start listening to the voice inside of me that tells me not to do certain things. That has always been my issue. Lesson number two - don't walk away from your passions. Follow your dreams and never let anyone tell you it is impossible. Never fear change or following through on your dreams.

Time Goes By Quickly

Today is the first day of a new school year and the last day of summer for the kids. Funny how something has to end in order for something to begin. Today is also the eve of a new start to my life and the eve to what will change how our family lives each day.

In February of 1997, my husband and I came to the agreement I would stay home to raise our children. Not allowing for someone else to raise our children. To give our children a parent to count on every day. We chose not to pay the high price of daycare - both for financial reasons and for emotional reasons. Today is the day before that lifestyle ends. Although I have always found work outside of our home, there has always been the flexibility to work part-time, freelance, or on a contract basis. Tomorrow this flexibility comes to an end.

I find myself saddened and frustrated that I could not make it until our children graduated from high school to make this leap. Our economy has forced this decision and I will now leap into the demands of the corporate world. Leaving my dream of teaching and coaching sports behind me and digging my feet into the cut throat marketing world. A world which intrigues and scares me all at once.

As I watched my two high school children drive away for school this morning, I wondered how they felt and if they would be alright today. It is just as hard today as it was the day they walked into kindergarten and first grade. Tomorrow will be a whole new uneasiness as I drive almost an hour away from home...where I have felt comfort and control of nurturing my family.

It has been too long since I updated this blog. I will now use this as my journal for a new journey in my life. To help me heal with the decisions forced upon me and to hopefully hear from other mothers out there facing some of the same changes in their lives.